scared stiff

Tomorrow is D-Day. Tomorrow is the day that my dad goes for the long awaited investigation procedure on his heart. Right now I’m scared. My dad is a tough cookie, but I inherit my anxiety from him and I know that he’ll be sat at home bricking it, praying that time will stand still and tomorrow will hold off for a little while. The harsh reality is that, it won’t.

The hardest thing for me to take in, is that I’ve seen this very procedure. In my final days as a student nurse, before I gave up, I spent many long hours in the Cath Lab watching angiograms. Knowing that my dad will be in those same labs having the very same procedure has been enough to reduce me to tears at several intervals today. The procedure was enough to make me feel sick and the memories make me shiver! I’ve seen grown men cry as the wire enters the arteries.

I have met the consultant that will be performing the procedure tomorrow. The best in the business from what I remember and he taught me a lot during my time in Cardiology, but nevertheless my dad’s fate is in this man’s hands tomorrow. He has expressed that if something is wrong, they will operate straight away, obviously with my dad’s consent.

Over a milky brew and two pieces of toast this morning, I told my dad that no matter how scared he may feel he has to say yes to whatever the doctor says. I felt the roles reverse just for a moment. I was being the level headed, strong person- telling my dad his own saying of ‘look to the other side’.

I may be being strong in front of my dad, but inside I’m starting to crumble at the thought. What if tomorrow they find something really bad? Or my dad has to have a heart bypass? Or a pacemaker? How much impact will that have on his life? I mean seriously, thats life changing. This is what scares me. My dad is my all, the sugar to my tea (even though he never puts it in when he makes me a bloody brew!)

This weekend I went back home. To my old room, my old bed and little me. Sat cuddling my dad on the sofa while he stroked my head and took the p*ss out of me! Typical Tate and Dad night! I felt obliged to do this. To go and stay at home with him. I mean I wanted to, of course, but I really felt I needed to. More than anything, I just wanted to hear him come into my room, turn off the tv and softly say night kate, love you.

I’m rambling now, so I’m going to call it a night I think. I’m praying I can sleep. I’m not convinced I will but I need my sleep! I’m hoping that tomorrow will be good news, I really am. Following a heart attack scar in September I’m not convinced. Fingers and toes are crossed for tomorrow.

I don’t want to have to face the world without my dad.

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Losing myself, again

Again I’ve been distant and again I’m here apologising? But to be honest, I have good reason. If I’m not getting stressed with massive to do lists and tasks that aren’t getting completed at work, I’m stressing over the amount of work on my study planner for uni! Boo has had chicken pox and my house is so far from domestic bliss right now, Kim and Aggie would have a field day! 
Mentally, I’m struggling again. All kinds of weird shit is going on in my head right now but I’m determined to get back on track. Health wise, I’m struggling too. A mini procedure yesterday at the doctors has left me in absolute agony which is making work and other everyday tasks so much harder.
Right now I’m on the path to find myself again, whilst trying to keep a sense of normality. So far it’s failing. My blood pressure is low and I can feel the stress levels rising. I need to beat these. 

PO Box: Heaven

To my very own spirits in the sky,

How are you? Keeping well up there? What’s it like? (A million questions, typical tate) Was there really pearly gates and a nice man in white waiting? I hope you didn’t clash Grandad Ray! In my mind I hope you’re all together, just like before. I hope there’s a pub, a racetrack and an array of cardigans- just for you Nannie M. I hope you saved a spare few seats for us all!

It may seem like I’m busy now, and don’t visit your graves as much. I promise you none of you ever leave my thoughts. I may not cry as much as I used to but believe me when I cry, its buckets. I’m grown up now and they say its gets easier- they lied ( just like i lied about the clock uncle Al- i promise I’ll admit it one day, thank you for taking that to the grave with you- i owe you one!) There’s so much I wish you could see and so many things I wish I could tell you. Can you see me? Are you by my side just like you promise you always would be? In some respects I hope not, I imagine I’d get a clout round the ear’ole if you could see me Nannie! It’s upsetting to know that I’m slowly forgetting little bits of you all I promised I wouldn’t forget. Like the smells of you:

Nannie- the smell of TCP

Grandad Gilbz- the smell of that little bottle of oil and in the later days the smell of aftershave so strong it made my eyes water

Grandad Ray- Old Man’s Spice, strong mints and tea

Grandad Harry- that old man smell

Uncle Al- Cigars

I’m starting to forget. I’m trying not to I promise. I really wish I could capture all the memories and put them into a little bottle so I don’t forget.

It seems so long ago now since I last saw you all, and for most I never got that chance to say goodbye, more importantly to tell you how much you meant and always will mean to me. All of you were leading figures in my life and you have left the most enormous gaps. Gaps that can never ever be replaced. We all miss you, and talking about you only makes it harder.

I have a playlist of songs, that remind me of you all. Whenever I have a bad day, which is more frequently than not, I pop my headphones in and there I am, by your side. I try so hard to bring you back- I have succeeded so far. This is the hardest thing I’ve wrote for a while, but i need to.

My heart is broken and each one of you would of been able to put it back together, I know it. I’d give anything to go back just for one day, to see you all, sitting in our living room- emergency chairs galore, mums buffet, nanna shouting at grandad for not watching his chlestoral, Nannie M threatening to hit Grandad Hazza with a frying pan, uncle al telling us girls to ‘put em up’ and box him and grandad, well grandad sat right next to the tv trying to watch the last bit of the racing.

When you left, you all took so much of me with you. Tablets, tears and alcohol don’t work- believe me I’ve tried it all. Writing helps, I hope you can read this and everything else I write about you. I write a lot about you all nowadays. It helps me let out emotion I don’t show anymore.

I’ve rambled enough now! I miss you all, and I’d give anything to have you back. I really would. Please stay by my side, and watch over me and Lyla. She’s so perfect and she has a bit of each of you in her, I can see it.

Nannie I’m sorry for the tattoos and doing everything I said I wouldn’t. I’m sorry I never wear your ring, its too precious for my Roughien hands!

Grandad Gilbz, I’m sorry I never got straight back on the bike, I’m sorry I didn’t carry on fighting and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold your hand

Grandad Ray, I’m sorry I don’t look after Nanna enough, and I’m sorry that you never got to see me do the whole dancing down the aisle thing and dance the moves you taught me so well. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to make you giggle just one last time you wanted. I really wanted to be.

Grandad Harry, I’m sorry I didn’t wear vests in the winter and yes you were right, i now suffer from bad backs. I’m sorry I didn’t realise how much you really loved me. Most of all I’m sorry for not standing up beside you, reading the poem I wrote for you. It should of been me.

Uncle Al, I’m sorry I didn’t help enough. I’m sorry I didn’t make you smile more. I’m sorry, near the end I couldn’t cope with seeing the way you were.

I hope you’re all doing okay. Save me a seat, and grandad keep those pedigree cold! Until we meet again, sweet dreams

Love forever and always,

Your Tate.

xxx

LOVE

theres this boy and he kinda has my hearttumblr_ludi9kfbbx1qjm9bpo1_500 tumblr_lqwj9bNRCg1qhiqdoo1_500

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love, love, love. love is all you need.

What is love? I mean, what does it really mean? People talk about, people sing about it, people try so desperately to find it and people even focus their goals around it. I’m around it all the time- I feel it, I show it, I hold it in, I let it out- but try and ask me to describe it and that’s me buggered!

It starts early really doesn’t it? You’re surrounded by love from the second you’re created and from there it becomes real when you take your first breath. Almost suffocated with love, so small and yet so much love surrounds you. As a child you grow up with cuddles and kisses, making dreams and wishes of a love just like your mum and dad. You watch them fight, watch them cry together but deep down your parents love is like no other. The love that holds a family together.

As your age gets ever bigger, so does your heart. Slowly friends fill gaps you never knew existed. You spend time together, its starts with playing dolls and lets pretend, then leads to babies- godparents and a helping hand! You laugh together and yet an equal amount of time is spent crying together. They say that some of your hardest problems in life are overcome by the help of your friends. Is it bad that I’m now sat humming ‘I get by with a little help from my friend?’  I really do believe that. The love between best friends is irreplaceable. I’m lucky to have a full set of best friends, each one there for me in a different way, but equally important in my life. The basis of many of my friendships is males, and yes us girls spend the majority of our time moaning about said males which leads me gracefully onto my next love.

Boys, lads, guys, men- whichever takes your fancy! Boyfriends have always played a lead role in my life as ashamed as I am to admit it. But I guess that would be the same for most girls my age. You make think you’re in love as you grow up, but in reality, how do you know? This is what I’m questioning…

There’s so many different types of love, so many different ways to show it and yet I still don’t know what real love is. I mean, how do you know? Is there a test you need to take like how many times do you get the butterfly feeling, do you close your eyes when you kiss? A wonderful person taught me to close my eyes when I kiss and I’m pleased to say it makes it even more amazing. How do you know if he really loves you? How does he know if you really love him? How does this four letter word mess people up so much and yet it surrounds us every minute of every day?

The worst thing is no one will ever be able to answer these questions. Like I said, it’s impossible to describe- no matter how much you feel it!

Back to square one, one day I will find the true meaning- until then, I’ll keep loving and keep writing.

if anyone finds out, give us a shout.

It’s been a while

Blog, I have neglected you a lot lately; like I have a lot of things in life. Fear not, I am back! I am getting back on track. I’m starting to feel more human and not so ‘away with the clouds’ anymore. I’m having more bad days than good, more tears than smiles, but I’m here and I’m still fighting a demon in my head that is not winning this battle. I am determined.

I don’t talk about this demon. I don’t tell anyone the thoughts in my head. I hide it all. Well, who would want to listen to a load of bull anyway? I’m worrying about the smallest things, and fretting something rotten. But why? Why you ask? The answer is I don’t know. I really don’t. I spend time writing to do lists, with pointless tasks and then spend my days wrecklessly trying to cross just one more off the list.

I’m more agitated- everyone can tell. I have no structure, just like this post! I can’t complete one task and I can never just sit still anymore. One thing that helps is music. Music is my escape from reality, my ‘go-to’ when things get too tough. Spending is an issue, an addiction almost and it makes me feel good but then leaves me skint! I’m working on that though- I really am. I’ve treated Lyla so much lately because for months I haven’t.

Tonight, I make a promise. To stop neglecting, to plan and to prioritize and to make time for things that matter. I’m not going to bury my head in the sand, I’m going to battle through and win.